Trying by Lifehouse

Para akong nangangapa sa dilim. Pero hindi daw halata. Parang i-control naman daw ako. May patutunguhan. Mukha namang alam ko sinasabi ko at ginagawa ko. Pero minsan nagpapanggap lang talaga ako. Wala akong alam. Ang mga bagay na dati kong pinaniniwalaang tama, ayaw ko na. Maraming bagay na sa tingin ko hindi ko magagawa, nalagpasan ko rin.

Tao lang ako. Nagkakamali. Natatakot. Natatauhan. Gaya mo. Gagawin ang lahat para sumaya at iiwas sa gulo para di masaktan. Nagtitimbang ng mali at tama. Nagbabalanse ng pansariling kaligayan at mga katungkulan.

Tuloy lang ang buhay. Tuloy ang pagkatuto. Siguro mabuti na aminin ko na wala akong alam para masikap kong matutunan. Kaysa namang sabihin alam ko na yan pero hindi pala.

Heto ako, trying hard.


could you let down your hair be transparent for awhile
just a little while
to see if your human after all
honesty is a hard attribute to find
when we all want to seem like
we've got it all figured out
well let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
ain't gonna pretend like I do

just trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way the best that I know how

well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
but I'm working on it
maybe I'll master this art form someday
if I quote all the lines off the top of my head
would you believe
that I fully understand all these things I've read

I'm just trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way the best that I know how

well I haven't got it all figured out quite yet but
even if it takes my whole life
to get to where I need to be
and if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you and

trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way

I'm trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way

Tears In Heaven by Gregorian Chant

Fourth year high school noon. CAT competing unit kami. Kasama ako sa model platoon. Isasantabi ko na muna ang mga katagang "what you see, what you hear, when you go, leave it here." Matinding training ang dinaanan namin the summer before.

First training day pa lang di ko na makakalimutan. Na-late ako sa formation ng squad namin. Dahil dun pinarusahan lahat ng nasa squad ko maliban sa akin. Pinanood lang ako habang sila ay pina-squat. Sobrang nahiya ako sa sarili ko. Ako na nga ang may kasalanan, ako pa ang nakaligtas sa parusa. Ganun daw talaga dapat. Ganun daw ibig sabihin ng team. Kapag pumalpak ang isa, damay lahat.

Di ko rin nakalimutan yung naging pabigat ako sa isang co-trainee. Babae pa naman sya. (Coed yung school namin.) Pinahiga ako sa likod nya habang pinag-push up sya. Di ko sya matulungan kasi utos lang na humiga ako sa kanya. Nararamdaman kong nahihirapan sya. Sorry lang ako ng sorry. Wala akong magawa.

Nung summer ng 1992 ko naranasan yung una kong stress interview. Di lang 'to pinaghalong mental, psychological, may physical pa. Nakabilad kami sa araw, tikas pahinga. Di ko alam kung gaano katagal nila kami binilad. Nakakahilo. Bawal gumalaw. Bawal magpatawa. Bawal ma-stress. Hinga lang. Hinga.

Matapos nun. Ibinaba yung ballcap namin para matakpan mata namin. Hindi na kailangan ng blindfold. Nilapitan na kami isa-isa. Tinanong tungkol sa military history, organization, common courtesy, map reading, at iba pa. Pinahulaan rin kung nabobosesan namin yung mga tumatanong sa 'min. Dapat buo ang sagot. Rank, first name, middle name at last name. Ok naman ang sagot ko. Nakapag-review naman ako. Kaso bigla akong tinanong kung alam ko ba daw ibig sabihin ng 'fall like a log'. Syempre alam ko pero sinabi ko hindi. Alam ko na ipapagawa nila sa kin yun. Ayaw ko gawin. Wala akong makita. Di ko alam babagsakan ko. Ok lang sana kung yung theatrical fall na tinuro sa Speech & Drama class namin, kaso hindi. Fall like a log! Utos na nya. Di sya naniniwala na di ko alam yun. Nagmatigas ako. Nagmang-maangan. Sinuntok nya ko sa gitna ng dibdib. Nahirapan ako huminga. Nahilo ako. Pinaalis ako sa formation.

Habang nandun ako sa isang tabi nagpapahinga, napapanood ko yung mga pinagagawa ng mga officer sa mga kapwa ko trainee. Pinaringgan ako ng isang officer. Wala daw akong pakisama. Kasalukuyang nahirapan yung mga co-trainees ko habang ako nagpapahinga. Na-guilty ako, pero di ako bumalik sa formation. Naiisip ko rin na siguro may sasalong iba sa akin kung sakaling sinunod ko yung officer.

Marami pa talaga kwento sa dalawang buwan nung summer na yun. Pero saka na lang uli. Nga pala, Tears in Heaven (original version ni Eric Clapton) napiling themesong ng batch namin. Mga officers namin pumili nun para sa amin. Di ko alam kung bakit pero nagustuhan ko naman. Baka suntukin uli ako kapag umayaw ako eh.

Nakakapanghinayang yung team namin na yun. Di na ako makakatagpo pa uli ng ganung team.

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
here in heaven.

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart, have you begging please,
begging please.

I must be strong and carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
here in heaven.
'Cause I know I don't belong
here in heaven.

Bad Day by Daniel Powter

The first time I saw the video for this song, I instantly liked the song. It's sounds happy for a song about a bad day. Everybody had bad days. I making these my theme song for those days. Hearing this makes the day not so bad. Today is not really a bad day. It's not a good one either.

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day

Crazy for You by Spongecola

I saw Ian once again on TV last night. He was our sophomore class president. If there are songs that reminds me of my sophomore days. One of them is "Crazy for You" by Madonna. No, I wasn't crazy about someone then. It's just that I was forced to sing that song. We were supposed to interpret a song as a group. Being in a group that is predominantly girls, they were suggesting girlie songs left and right. There were only two guys in the group so the concept of majority ruling wasn't that appealing. To cut the story short, our presentation was a disaster. Anything that would have me sing in public is a disaster.

I like this version of Spongecola better. Oh, I have to thanks Shai for the mp3. Thanks!


Swaying room as the music starts
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one

I see you through the smoky air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare
You're so close but still a world away
What I'm dying to say, is that


CHORUS
I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new
You'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you


Trying hard to control my heart
I walk over to where you are
Two by two we need no words at all

Slowly now we begin to move
With every breath I'm deeper into you
Send me to a standing still in time
But if you read my mind, you'll see


CHORUS
I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new
You'll feel it in my kiss

You'll feel it in my kiss
because I'm crazy for you

Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new,
you'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you


CODA
And you know it's true,
you know I'm crazy for you
And it's all brand new,
you know I'm crazy for you
And you know it's true,
I'm crazy, crazy for you
I'm crazy for you

The Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel

In the Mitch Albom’s book “Tuesday’s with Morrie”, he narrated an incident in one of his class where his professor did not say a word one day. He just looked at his class. The students of course were quite uncomfortable. Imagine, the teacher in front of the class just staring at his students. What is he thinking? What is he doing? Do I sense trouble? He finally broke his silence and made a point. He asked, what is it about silence that embarrasses people?

There are a lot of things that can be said with silence. For me, I welcome it. No, I enjoy it.

Hello darkness, my old friend,
I’ve come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left it’s seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
’neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.

Fools said I, you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out it’s warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisper’d in the sounds of silence.